Cheers and Jeers for Friday, 10, 2019
Observe: Now that we’re all publicly gathered right here, I would like to begin with the customary prayer: “O Lord, please give us the energy and knowledge to abolish opening prayers at public gatherings on account of they’re actually obnoxious. Amen.” And Amen.
By the Numbers:
7 days!!! (P.S. Nice emblem!)
Weeks ’til the opening of Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge at Disneyland: 21
Days ’til the Golden State Pinball Competition in Lodi, California: 7
Quantity the U.S. financial system misplaced due to the tariffs imposed on China and different international locations final yr: $7.eight billion
Variety of human inspectors Boeing is eliminating by subsequent yr: 900
Common quantity Uber loses per journey, in keeping with CBS Information: 58 cents
Aired episodes of Wheel of Fortune as of tonight: 7,000
Quantity the corporate that makes a drink referred to as “Liquid Demise”—which is simply common water in cans—raised from buyers: $1.6 million
Pet Pic of the Day: Weekend sofa potato…
CHEERS to hen soup for plenty of hungry souls. This is an occasion developing this tomorrow that we at all times put entrance and middle in C&J. It is the 27th annual Stamp Out Starvation Meals Drive, and all you must do is make an observation to depart some vittles out to your postal service:
The Nationwide Affiliation of Letter Carriers, together with the US Postal Service, will probably be accumulating non-perishable meals gadgets like canned meats and fish, canned soup, juice, pasta, greens, cereal and rice through the Stamp Out Starvation Meals Drive on Saturday, Could 11, to assist households in want in our neighborhood.
You’ll be able to assist by putting your meals donation at your mailbox on Saturday, Could 11 earlier than your letter service arrives with the day’s mail. Will probably be taken again to the Publish workplace after which delivered to native meals banks or pantries. Please don’t embody gadgets which have expired or these in glass containers.
There’s extra data at their official website. So remember to put a Publish-It reminder in your fridge reminding you to place a reminder in your brow reminding you to depart a Reddit publish reminding you to depart a textual content message reminding you to tweet a reminder to your Fb standing reminding you to depart a reminder pic in your Instagram peg reminding you to ship a snapchat reminding you to knit a reminder into your tea cozy earlier than you place it up on Etsy. God bless social media—it makes life a lot simpler.
JEERS to outrage over the newest Trump scandals!!! Grrrr!!! Did you hear what he stated??? Did you hear what he did??? Did you…did you…
Nah. Not tonight. Not within the temper.
CHEERS to ol’ Whats’ername. So what’s Mother price lately? In response to insure.com, this a lot:
Insure.com, a complete supply for insurance coverage data, at this time launched its ninth annual Mom’s Day Index exhibiting that the roles many mothers usually carry out for his or her family would justify an revenue of $71,297 in 2019. That is a three.5 % improve over final yr’s pay equal.
“Oh, an uncomfortable chair for Mom’s day? You shouldn’t have. Actually. You shouldn’t have.”
Insure.com used federal wage knowledge from the Bureau of Labor Statistics to search out the monetary worth of 13 jobs that many mothers usually carry out. The roles designated as childcare supplier, summer season exercise planner and cook dinner signify those who require probably the most hours per week.
So why do not we really pay them for his or her toil? As a result of they’d simply funnel the cash right into a tax-free “Mommy Account” within the Cayman Islands and use the curiosity to construct an enormous mother clone military with which to take over the world. So this Mom’s Day (Sunday), for the nice of the planet, give her a gift-wrapped empty field and, when she opens it, inform her it’s a field full of affection, which is invisible. After which, to your personal private security, it could in all probability be a good suggestion to run away actually quick. And return with a present card to a day spa.
CHEERS to nice moments in historical past. 226 years in the past, the self-flushing rest room was patented. To empty a bunch of turds out of your constructing, you simply pulled a sequence. If you wish to witness the identical impact at Fox Information, simply pull the fireplace alarm.
CHEERS to overdue divorces. I completely agree with Fb co-founder (and Mark Zuckerberg’s Harvard roommate) Chris Hughes: it is time to break up Fb so it could not be a menace to our psychological well being and the American lifestyle:
Hughes stated that whereas he doesn’t imagine Zuckerberg has nefarious intentions, the ability he’s amassed on the helm of Fb is “unprecedented and un-American.” […]
Evil…or obscenely grasping? What, like there’s a distinction?
Hughes becoming a member of the push to interrupt up Fb is big: He was on the firm at its infancy and helped set in movement most of the occasions that will finally make it so highly effective. Whereas he left Fb in 2008 to work on Barack Obama’s presidential marketing campaign, his work remains to be part of its DNA.
“It’s been 15 years since I co-founded Fb at Harvard, and I haven’t labored on the firm in a decade,” he wrote. “However I really feel a way of anger and duty.”
The way in which I see it, the corporate ought to be damaged up into two separate entities, and given new names. One will probably be referred to as Regular Individuals Guide. The opposite will probably be referred to as Loopy Individuals Who Consider Fox Information And Ahead All the things Posted On Their Wall By Russian Trolls Guide, and it’ll crash each time they attempt to log in. And the republic shall be saved.
CHEERS to bulldogs unleashed. On Could 10, 1940, Winston Churchill was referred to as in to switch Neville Chamberlain as British Prime Minister, after Mr. “Peace in our time” misplaced a confidence vote within the Home of Commons. Churchill provided blood, sweat, toil and tears within the run-up to struggle. Years later, a string of conservative prime ministers—currently Theresa Could—provided austerity, austerity, austerity and austerity. Potato, puhtahto.
CHEERS to residence vegetation. I’ve thought lengthy and arduous about it, and I’ve narrowed my weekend actions down to 2 issues: clear up six months price of winter canine poop within the yard…or watch a bunch of TV. In all probability the latter. The viewing begins tonight with Chris and Rachel on MSNBC unpacking the newest Friday evening information dumps. Or you may catch the premiere of Marvel’s Brokers of S.H.I.E.L.D.on ABC at eight. Then on HBO’s Actual Time at 10, Invoice Maher talks with Michael Lewis, Van Jones, Matt Lewis, Nayyera Haq and Rep. and 2020 presidential candidate Tim Ryan (D-OH).
Some say tv is poised to overhaul radio and garden darts as America’s prime pastime. My response: that’s loopy discuss.
New residence video releases embody The Lego Film 2: The Second Half and Taraji P. Henson in What Males Need. The baseball schedule is right here, the NBA playoff schedule is right here, and the NHL playoff schedule is right here. Emma Thompson hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: Artist Mark Bradford, and a section on The Restorative Justice Undertaking. Marge turns to holistic medication when the nuke plant chops Homer’s medical insurance on the season finale of The Simpsons, and Brian runs for mayor on the season finale of Household Man. This is your Recreation of Thrones spoiler alert: disaster envelops the seven kingdoms when he throne develops an annoying squeak and nobody can discover the Ikea L-wrench. And John Oliver sticks a cork within the earlier seven days on HBO’s Final Week Tonight, however you may in all probability need to tape it as a result of it doesn’t begin Sunday evening till 11:40.
Now here is your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Sunday on CNN.
This Week: Home Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA); Senator and 2020 candidate Cory Booker (D-NJ); Sen. Rand Paul.
Face the Nation: Former Protection Secretary Robert Gates.
CNN’s State of the Union: Senator and 2020 candidate Kamala Harris (D-CA).
Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Rep. and 2020 candidate Seth Moulton (D-MA).
Completely happy viewing!
Ten years in the past in C&J: Could 10, 2009
CHEERS to slicing and working. Blackwater’s testosterone-fueled “heroics” in Iraq brought about nice harm to America’s fame within the area. The habits of some (however, admittedly, not all) of their heavily-armed workers was so thuggish that the corporate needed to change its title to—[Snort!]—“Xe.” So it brings no tears to our eyes as we report that yesterday they formally tucked their tails between their legs and scurried again residence. I don’t know what they’re gonna do now, however I am going to say this: if you end up getting a parking ticket from a scruffy-lookin’ dude in fatigues with a bazooka tucked underneath his arm, we recommend you pay it.
And only one extra…
CHEERS to Friday Night time Carlin. Elevate no matter ya received helpful and want a Completely happy Birthday to the late George Carlin, who would’ve turned 82 this Sunday. He spent many an excellent decade dissecting language, tradition, politics and human nature,wielding a comedic scalpel and jackhammer with equal dexterity. All the explanation we have to take a second to revisit a mere smidgen of his comedic Esprit de George…
Working-class individuals “search for work.” Center-class individuals “attempt to get ajob.” Higher-middle-class individuals “search employment.”
Trailblazer. Rattling humorous one.
“It is the previous American Double Commonplace, ya know? Say one factor, do somethin’ completely different. And naturally this nation is based on the double standard—that’s our historical past! We have been based on a really primary double commonplace.This nation was based by slave homeowners who needed to be free.”
”You know the way you velocity up baseball? All people will get one swing. That is it. One swing,fuck you, you are out, sit down.”
“Boy, these conservatives are actually one thing, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn—they may do something for the unborn. However when you’re born, you are by yourself. Professional-life conservatives are obsessive about the fetus from conception to 9 months. After that, they do not need to learn about you. They do not need to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head begin, no college lunch, no meals stamps, no welfare, no nothing. In the event you’re preborn, you are fantastic; when you’re preschool, you are fucked.”
“Have you ever ever questioned why the Republicans are so concerned about encouraging individuals to volunteer for his or her communities? It is as a result of volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been making an attempt to get individuals to work for no pay for a longtime.”
…and,after all, the (NSFW, natch) seven phrases you may’t say on tv. Oh, my delicate payment charges.
Have an incredible weekend. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at this time?